That annoying moment.
When you have a rare crush on someone and that someone turns out to be taken. ==
LOL.
Omigosh haven't blogged in ages.
This feels so weird.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Fear.
That's it.
Funny how I finally figured out what is the one thing that is tying me up after so long.
Fear is what holds me back.
I am so afraid.
Afraid to get hurt again, in any little ways possible.
Yes, I am still immature. I have not been through a lot and to some certain things in my past seems very minor to them.
It's okay. I understand. There are many more people out there, maybe even younger than me who suffers more.
But in my defense, those little minor things, if they come right at you all at once, consecutively one after another, then it is a whole new different story.
How much can a person hold? How much can a person take it in?
I've often heard that a person can grow up in one night.
I'm not saying that about myself. I still have a lot more to learn, more aspects to improve on myself. Yet, I need my breathing space.
I came back, searching for peace, yet I did not manage to find it successfully. There is only one escape, the only moment when I feel most a peace, not worried, not being pressured is when I am asleep. I guess it's because when we are asleep, we stop thinking. Well at least consciously.
They say that time heals. But what we all seem not to realize is the after effect. The consequences of things. Newton's third law states that, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
When someone hurts you, you feel the pain so you know how much it hurts. Naturally, you'll remember how it feels like and eventually hold back yourself. It's like a tortoise. When it's scared, it hides back into it's own shell.
That's what I feel like now. A tortoise. Looking for comfort in my little own shell, for I am scared of being hurt all over again.
Hurt comes in all form. At this point right now, even with a small little rejection, it's hurtful enough.
I hope this post isn't scattered. I guess it's due to the fact I have not been blogging for a long time and my thoughts are just flying everywhere.
Perhaps I am over reacting and not looking at the positive side of things. Yea, I just doubted myself right there.
A part of me, as naive as it sounds, just kinda hope that someone will come along and fix me.
But that it isn't fair right? Asking someone to clear up your mess?
Being back to this haunted place, make me finally see that I am indeed still broken, and here is where I feel the most vulnerable.
Past. Present. Future.
Missing the past for what is known today. Feeling screwed about the present in the search of one self. Fearing the future for its uncertainties.
I think what we all hope is a happy ending in this life, like in a movie. They just live happily ever after. And somehow, every time they break down, there is someone else that comes along and bring them up again.
Does that someone actually exists in the real life?
Or that someone only exists if you let him/her enter your life?
Do every problem has it's own solution?
Do everything happen for a reason? Or man are only creating excuses to make themselves feel better?
Questions, questions and more questions.
Fear. Why am I so scared?
Even right now, fear of being judged for what I am writing now.
What if people cannot accept it? What if people think that it's bullshit?
What I have learned is that the level of acceptance for everyone is unfortunately different. Not everyone ca accept you for who you are.
I need a break. I do not know since when or how long I have been using this sentence.
I feel so worried. I feel so pressured. I cannot find peace. Constantly worried. Be on guard. Restless. Like something is just going to pounce on me anytime.
I wish to go somewhere beautiful. Detached from the reality. For maybe a week.
I am not ready to face anything.
I am just merely forcing myself.
Why do I feel much more worse after putting everything in words?
Funny how I finally figured out what is the one thing that is tying me up after so long.
Fear is what holds me back.
I am so afraid.
Afraid to get hurt again, in any little ways possible.
Yes, I am still immature. I have not been through a lot and to some certain things in my past seems very minor to them.
It's okay. I understand. There are many more people out there, maybe even younger than me who suffers more.
But in my defense, those little minor things, if they come right at you all at once, consecutively one after another, then it is a whole new different story.
How much can a person hold? How much can a person take it in?
I've often heard that a person can grow up in one night.
I'm not saying that about myself. I still have a lot more to learn, more aspects to improve on myself. Yet, I need my breathing space.
I came back, searching for peace, yet I did not manage to find it successfully. There is only one escape, the only moment when I feel most a peace, not worried, not being pressured is when I am asleep. I guess it's because when we are asleep, we stop thinking. Well at least consciously.
They say that time heals. But what we all seem not to realize is the after effect. The consequences of things. Newton's third law states that, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
When someone hurts you, you feel the pain so you know how much it hurts. Naturally, you'll remember how it feels like and eventually hold back yourself. It's like a tortoise. When it's scared, it hides back into it's own shell.
That's what I feel like now. A tortoise. Looking for comfort in my little own shell, for I am scared of being hurt all over again.
Hurt comes in all form. At this point right now, even with a small little rejection, it's hurtful enough.
I hope this post isn't scattered. I guess it's due to the fact I have not been blogging for a long time and my thoughts are just flying everywhere.
Perhaps I am over reacting and not looking at the positive side of things. Yea, I just doubted myself right there.
A part of me, as naive as it sounds, just kinda hope that someone will come along and fix me.
But that it isn't fair right? Asking someone to clear up your mess?
Being back to this haunted place, make me finally see that I am indeed still broken, and here is where I feel the most vulnerable.
Past. Present. Future.
Missing the past for what is known today. Feeling screwed about the present in the search of one self. Fearing the future for its uncertainties.
I think what we all hope is a happy ending in this life, like in a movie. They just live happily ever after. And somehow, every time they break down, there is someone else that comes along and bring them up again.
Does that someone actually exists in the real life?
Or that someone only exists if you let him/her enter your life?
Do every problem has it's own solution?
Do everything happen for a reason? Or man are only creating excuses to make themselves feel better?
Questions, questions and more questions.
Fear. Why am I so scared?
Even right now, fear of being judged for what I am writing now.
What if people cannot accept it? What if people think that it's bullshit?
What I have learned is that the level of acceptance for everyone is unfortunately different. Not everyone ca accept you for who you are.
I need a break. I do not know since when or how long I have been using this sentence.
I feel so worried. I feel so pressured. I cannot find peace. Constantly worried. Be on guard. Restless. Like something is just going to pounce on me anytime.
I wish to go somewhere beautiful. Detached from the reality. For maybe a week.
I am not ready to face anything.
I am just merely forcing myself.
Why do I feel much more worse after putting everything in words?
Monday, June 18, 2012
Dreams
I dream.
You dream.
He dreams.
She dreams.
LOL.
Sometimes, I just like to know what others dream are. Curiosity I suppose. It's one of those amazing little things to discover the people around me.
Everyone around me tells me what they are looking for is just simplicity in life.
They dream of getting a stable job, get married, accompany their husband/wife & kids and travel around.
Simple eh?
But life often puts things in a complicated manner for us. Perhaps that's why we learn how to simplify and do differentiation. Hey Math is useful after all! =P
Whenever people ask about ambitions, my sis will just answer she wants to sell char kuey teow. The teachers all felt that there was something wrong with her. LOL.
Few days back, a senior in his fourth semester asked me, 'Do you believe if I say I want to stop studying now and just do whatever that I want to do?' I stared at him in wonder. 'What do you want to do?' I asked. He said' I don't know. Back packing.Open a stall. Anything.'
At times, when I look at others, say, a person selling burgers, I yearn for such stability and constancy in my life too.
You wake up in the morning, open your stall, sell noodles or whatsoever, and when night falls, you close your shop and the whole night is yours to spend. Time for yourself, your family and to just do whatever you want to do without much worries in life.
As we move on from one century to another, things speed up and people's mentality change. What can I say? In order to survive in today's world, we have to be materialistic. If you can't beat them, join them. We often go with the flow as to what the society is looking for that eventually we do things not because we want to, but because we have to.
How many of us actually study because we enjoy studying? How many of us secretly despise our job? How many of us let go of our real dreams just because it is not 'realistic' enough?
I bet all of us have this secret dream of being a rock star. Or dating one. =P lol!
' I have studied this subject X for 3 years, yet truth is I do not know what I have studied.' This is a statement that doesn't surprise me.
I do not not if you realize this, but one of the most common dream of everyone is to travel around the world. But how many of us really do it?
Heck, I've never even been on a plane! LOL!
2012 end of the world eh?
If you have one day, just one day when you can do whatever you wish, no barriers, noconsequences to bear after that, what will you do?
You dream.
He dreams.
She dreams.
LOL.
Sometimes, I just like to know what others dream are. Curiosity I suppose. It's one of those amazing little things to discover the people around me.
Everyone around me tells me what they are looking for is just simplicity in life.
They dream of getting a stable job, get married, accompany their husband/wife & kids and travel around.
Simple eh?
But life often puts things in a complicated manner for us. Perhaps that's why we learn how to simplify and do differentiation. Hey Math is useful after all! =P
Whenever people ask about ambitions, my sis will just answer she wants to sell char kuey teow. The teachers all felt that there was something wrong with her. LOL.
Few days back, a senior in his fourth semester asked me, 'Do you believe if I say I want to stop studying now and just do whatever that I want to do?' I stared at him in wonder. 'What do you want to do?' I asked. He said' I don't know. Back packing.Open a stall. Anything.'
At times, when I look at others, say, a person selling burgers, I yearn for such stability and constancy in my life too.
You wake up in the morning, open your stall, sell noodles or whatsoever, and when night falls, you close your shop and the whole night is yours to spend. Time for yourself, your family and to just do whatever you want to do without much worries in life.
As we move on from one century to another, things speed up and people's mentality change. What can I say? In order to survive in today's world, we have to be materialistic. If you can't beat them, join them. We often go with the flow as to what the society is looking for that eventually we do things not because we want to, but because we have to.
How many of us actually study because we enjoy studying? How many of us secretly despise our job? How many of us let go of our real dreams just because it is not 'realistic' enough?
I bet all of us have this secret dream of being a rock star. Or dating one. =P lol!
' I have studied this subject X for 3 years, yet truth is I do not know what I have studied.' This is a statement that doesn't surprise me.
I do not not if you realize this, but one of the most common dream of everyone is to travel around the world. But how many of us really do it?
Heck, I've never even been on a plane! LOL!
2012 end of the world eh?
If you have one day, just one day when you can do whatever you wish, no barriers, noconsequences to bear after that, what will you do?
Sunday, June 17, 2012
The never changing process - Change
Doing so much, going through all this, tolerating and just taking it all in, all just to try to be a better person, to want someone to tell me, 'meichien, you have changed.'
Of course, change for the better.
Change to be a more lovely person, more likable, more of a friendship material.
But then how long does this process goes on? Wouldn't society be asking more and more from you? And wouldn't people of different mindsets want different kind of attitude from you?
Eventually you succumb to peer pressure and you change.
Some people change and they like it.
Some people change and forget who they really are. They look back at their old self, and start wondering ' Where did that person went to?'
I have friends of diverse personality. People please-r. Double faced people. I-don't-care-what-you-think-of-me-attitude. Manipulative. Outstanding. Talkative. Smart. People who think they are smart but know nothing. People who know they are smart and act like it.
The list goes on and on.
Of course, I am not saying I am perfect myself. Oh I can classify myself into various categories. Emotionally unstable, talk too much listen too less and blah blah blah.
I have been through a hard semester. Too many things occurring all at once. Ruined friendship. Bad results. Many many things I'm even embarrassed to point out. It was indeed overwhelming.
But I got through it somehow, and I think this is what they call.. Growing up? I think I will not label it as a hard semester, more of a not so smooth semester. Haha.
But there is one thing that I've gained best in my uni life. Good friends.
I have this wonderful friend who is just so nice to me that I wonder what I did in my past life to deserve her. There was even once she said 'meichien I will do anything for you.' and I was just plain stunned. Such a sweet, patient girl. She put up with me a lot and yes, there was certain rough periods for us too but I'm glad we managed to pull through without ruining our friendship. She is the one who was with me throughout the entire process and we actually grew together. I thank her for everything.
Another thing that I have come to realize is that at times a person meant well and cares a lot, but due to certain differences, you just have to accept that it's hard to keep this friendship. It will probably take a lot of time to truly understand and most importantly accept each other. And throughout this process, probably there will have tears and little arguments that test the friendship.
At the end of the day, I believe it all comes back to adapting. Adapt to the way people behaves around different kind of groups. I will use the example that first crossed my head. I know it's a bit of a stereotype, don't be offended but I am just classifying them as to how they behaves. If you're mixing with nerds, then behave like one. If you're around the goths, then dress black.If you're in a club, then let lose and put on your dancing shoes.
I do not know whether I am a different person now. But I sure do hope that I have improved.
I wouldn't say change, but it's more like a room of improvement for someone.
I for one love being myself. Talking out loud , telling lame jokes, talking too fast, singing when I feel like it and everything. But I still have a lot of room for improvements. Things that I can improve on myself.
Nowadays, I believe in laughing things off. Somehow things will appear much lighter and even brighter if you laugh at it. I am not saying don't take it seriously, but just look at it in a different perspective.
I have a new theory. If someone agrees to something that you want/ask for, then it's a bonus for you. But i that person rejects, then remind yourself that you lose nothing. For every problem, there is more than one solution for it. Look for another alternative then. Don't waste time and energy fretting on it, don't ruin your day because of it, bleh, it's not worth it!
I love this quote from Jack in Titanic and I will end my rambling tonight with it-
Of course, change for the better.
Change to be a more lovely person, more likable, more of a friendship material.
But then how long does this process goes on? Wouldn't society be asking more and more from you? And wouldn't people of different mindsets want different kind of attitude from you?
Eventually you succumb to peer pressure and you change.
Some people change and they like it.
Some people change and forget who they really are. They look back at their old self, and start wondering ' Where did that person went to?'
I have friends of diverse personality. People please-r. Double faced people. I-don't-care-what-you-think-of-me-attitude. Manipulative. Outstanding. Talkative. Smart. People who think they are smart but know nothing. People who know they are smart and act like it.
The list goes on and on.
Of course, I am not saying I am perfect myself. Oh I can classify myself into various categories. Emotionally unstable, talk too much listen too less and blah blah blah.
I have been through a hard semester. Too many things occurring all at once. Ruined friendship. Bad results. Many many things I'm even embarrassed to point out. It was indeed overwhelming.
But I got through it somehow, and I think this is what they call.. Growing up? I think I will not label it as a hard semester, more of a not so smooth semester. Haha.
But there is one thing that I've gained best in my uni life. Good friends.
I have this wonderful friend who is just so nice to me that I wonder what I did in my past life to deserve her. There was even once she said 'meichien I will do anything for you.' and I was just plain stunned. Such a sweet, patient girl. She put up with me a lot and yes, there was certain rough periods for us too but I'm glad we managed to pull through without ruining our friendship. She is the one who was with me throughout the entire process and we actually grew together. I thank her for everything.
Another thing that I have come to realize is that at times a person meant well and cares a lot, but due to certain differences, you just have to accept that it's hard to keep this friendship. It will probably take a lot of time to truly understand and most importantly accept each other. And throughout this process, probably there will have tears and little arguments that test the friendship.
At the end of the day, I believe it all comes back to adapting. Adapt to the way people behaves around different kind of groups. I will use the example that first crossed my head. I know it's a bit of a stereotype, don't be offended but I am just classifying them as to how they behaves. If you're mixing with nerds, then behave like one. If you're around the goths, then dress black.If you're in a club, then let lose and put on your dancing shoes.
I do not know whether I am a different person now. But I sure do hope that I have improved.
I wouldn't say change, but it's more like a room of improvement for someone.
I for one love being myself. Talking out loud , telling lame jokes, talking too fast, singing when I feel like it and everything. But I still have a lot of room for improvements. Things that I can improve on myself.
Nowadays, I believe in laughing things off. Somehow things will appear much lighter and even brighter if you laugh at it. I am not saying don't take it seriously, but just look at it in a different perspective.
I have a new theory. If someone agrees to something that you want/ask for, then it's a bonus for you. But i that person rejects, then remind yourself that you lose nothing. For every problem, there is more than one solution for it. Look for another alternative then. Don't waste time and energy fretting on it, don't ruin your day because of it, bleh, it's not worth it!
I love this quote from Jack in Titanic and I will end my rambling tonight with it-
Make each day counts
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Love stories with sad endings?
I have this little confession to make.
I don't watch love stories with sad endings.
I do not want to shed any tears and let others realize what a soft hearted girl I am.
Yea, it doesn't really fit my personality or how others usually think of me.
I am actually a hopeless romantic at heart. It melts my heart whenever I read story books with such sweet, romantic love story where you know the hero loves the heroin with all his heart and will be willing to do just anything.
Yea I know.. fairy tales much.
Why watch sad endings love story? Why not just have faith and believe?
Despite being hurt in the past, I still hung to this part of me that still have a glimpse of hope.
Hope that one day I will have my own love story with a happy ending. Hope to find a guy who will love me with all this heart and be the reason I smile every morning.
Or if I am not meant to find true love in this life, then it is just meant to be that way.
It is not in my control. I accept it.
I watched.
I didn't know that it was a sad love story.
I cried my heart out. Not just any normal tears, but tears from the bottom of my heart, tears that were hidden away.
I think it brought out emotions that I pushed away.
I just felt sad at the thought that two people who clearly love each other but are just not meant to be.
How one relationship is ruined just because of misunderstandings, impulsive actions, egoism ?
Why is it often so hard for people to just admit that they care about another person, until it is too late?
However, I believe not everyone can connect with this movie. Only people with a past can relate to it.
No, I do not mean to discriminate or insult. Just a statement.
Having a past does not mean we're better than anyone else, nor does it mean it's a good thing.
It's heart breaking when you reflect into your past.
Loved and being loved before. I have yet to decide whether it is a good or bad thing.
It's going to be two years soon.
Yet, I think truth is, it still hurts me deep inside. Just whether I choose to acknowledge it or not.
From time to time, it still comes back to haunt me. Promises, memories, dreams, plans.
I'm fine, but it's a part of me.
I still want to believe in true love.
I hope the best for my next relationship. Despite what others say and how my past was, I will still want to put my whole heart in my next relationship. Because I believe a relationship is the most beautiful when both parties put their whole heart into it.
Yesh, I am sentimental.
Surpising?
Lately, I feel so suffocated. Frustrated. Annoyed at the littlest thing. I do not how to express myself out.
At times, I caught myself crying for no reason. Just felt like I needed to cry.
Yet, still so much inside.
It's like a cup with plenty of water inside, just waiting to overflow..
I don't watch love stories with sad endings.
I do not want to shed any tears and let others realize what a soft hearted girl I am.
Yea, it doesn't really fit my personality or how others usually think of me.
I am actually a hopeless romantic at heart. It melts my heart whenever I read story books with such sweet, romantic love story where you know the hero loves the heroin with all his heart and will be willing to do just anything.
Yea I know.. fairy tales much.
Why watch sad endings love story? Why not just have faith and believe?
Despite being hurt in the past, I still hung to this part of me that still have a glimpse of hope.
Hope that one day I will have my own love story with a happy ending. Hope to find a guy who will love me with all this heart and be the reason I smile every morning.
Or if I am not meant to find true love in this life, then it is just meant to be that way.
It is not in my control. I accept it.
I watched
I didn't know that it was a sad love story.
I cried my heart out. Not just any normal tears, but tears from the bottom of my heart, tears that were hidden away.
I think it brought out emotions that I pushed away.
I just felt sad at the thought that two people who clearly love each other but are just not meant to be.
How one relationship is ruined just because of misunderstandings, impulsive actions, egoism ?
Why is it often so hard for people to just admit that they care about another person, until it is too late?
However, I believe not everyone can connect with this movie. Only people with a past can relate to it.
No, I do not mean to discriminate or insult. Just a statement.
Having a past does not mean we're better than anyone else, nor does it mean it's a good thing.
It's heart breaking when you reflect into your past.
Loved and being loved before. I have yet to decide whether it is a good or bad thing.
It's going to be two years soon.
Yet, I think truth is, it still hurts me deep inside. Just whether I choose to acknowledge it or not.
From time to time, it still comes back to haunt me. Promises, memories, dreams, plans.
I'm fine, but it's a part of me.
I still want to believe in true love.
I hope the best for my next relationship. Despite what others say and how my past was, I will still want to put my whole heart in my next relationship. Because I believe a relationship is the most beautiful when both parties put their whole heart into it.
Yesh, I am sentimental.
Surpising?
Lately, I feel so suffocated. Frustrated. Annoyed at the littlest thing. I do not how to express myself out.
At times, I caught myself crying for no reason. Just felt like I needed to cry.
Yet, still so much inside.
It's like a cup with plenty of water inside, just waiting to overflow..
Thursday, June 7, 2012
suddenly feeling pretty sentimental lately..
suddenly a part of me starts to miss you, just a little..
suddenly ewonder if i cross your mind sometimes..
wonder if a part if me still loves you..
i've made so many mistakes which i can never mend. no matter how many sorrys, i cannot undo the hurt inflicted upon you. nor can i ask you to forgive me,and love me again like how you did before.
i have let things go, a little by little, but truth is, i suspect that a part of me will still always be haunted.
i am just glad that i have freed myself from your life. you are better off without me..
the only thing that i can do to make all these pain worth it is to be a better person, be the kind of girl that you always wanted me to be, not the one you ran away from.
i know..i have so many flaws..i am difficult to handle.i am not satisfied with things i have..
i don't wish to be this way too. it a very high price to pay- to lose something i treasure.
i miss you suddenly..why do things have to be this way?
though i am convinced that you will never come back.
probably just hormones messing with me.
i'm a pessimist. simply because i am afraid to believe good things wi
ll happen to me.
scared of so many things.
suddenly a part of me starts to miss you, just a little..
suddenly ewonder if i cross your mind sometimes..
wonder if a part if me still loves you..
i've made so many mistakes which i can never mend. no matter how many sorrys, i cannot undo the hurt inflicted upon you. nor can i ask you to forgive me,and love me again like how you did before.
i have let things go, a little by little, but truth is, i suspect that a part of me will still always be haunted.
i am just glad that i have freed myself from your life. you are better off without me..
the only thing that i can do to make all these pain worth it is to be a better person, be the kind of girl that you always wanted me to be, not the one you ran away from.
i know..i have so many flaws..i am difficult to handle.i am not satisfied with things i have..
i don't wish to be this way too. it a very high price to pay- to lose something i treasure.
i miss you suddenly..why do things have to be this way?
though i am convinced that you will never come back.
probably just hormones messing with me.
i'm a pessimist. simply because i am afraid to believe good things wi
ll happen to me.
scared of so many things.
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