Fear.

That's it.

Funny how I finally figured out what is the one thing that is tying me up after so long.

Fear is what holds me back.

I am so afraid.

Afraid to get hurt again, in any little ways possible.

Yes, I am still immature. I have not been through a lot and to some certain things in my past seems very minor to them.

It's okay. I understand. There are many more people out there, maybe even younger than me who suffers more.

But in my defense, those little minor things, if they come right at you all at once, consecutively one after another, then it is a whole new different story.

How much can a person hold? How much can a person take it in?

I've often heard that a person can grow up in one night.

I'm not saying that about myself. I still have a lot more to learn, more aspects to improve on myself. Yet, I need my breathing space.

I came back, searching for peace, yet I did not manage to find it successfully. There is only one escape, the only moment when I feel most a peace, not worried, not being pressured is when I am asleep. I guess it's because when we are asleep, we stop thinking. Well at least consciously.

They say that time heals. But what we all seem not to realize is the after effect. The consequences of things. Newton's third law states that, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

When someone hurts you, you feel the pain so you know how much it hurts. Naturally, you'll remember how it feels like and eventually hold back yourself. It's like a tortoise. When it's scared, it hides back into it's own shell.

That's what I feel like now. A tortoise. Looking for comfort in my little own shell, for I am scared of being hurt all over again.

Hurt comes in all form. At this point right now, even with a small little rejection, it's hurtful enough.

I hope this post isn't scattered. I guess it's due to the fact I have not been blogging for a long time and my thoughts are just flying everywhere.

Perhaps I am over reacting and not looking at the positive side of things. Yea, I just doubted myself right there.

A part of me, as naive as it sounds, just kinda hope that someone will come along and fix me.

But that it isn't fair right? Asking someone to clear up your mess?

Being back to this haunted place, make me finally see that I am indeed still broken, and here is where I feel the most vulnerable.

Past. Present. Future.

Missing the past for what is known today. Feeling screwed about the present in the search of one self. Fearing the future for its uncertainties.

I think what we all hope is a happy ending in this life, like in a movie. They just live happily ever after. And somehow, every time they break down, there is someone else that comes along and bring them up again.

Does that someone actually exists in the real life?

Or that someone only exists if you let him/her enter your life?

 Do every problem has it's own solution?

Do everything happen for a reason? Or man are only creating excuses to make themselves feel better?

Questions, questions and more questions.

Fear. Why am I so scared?

Even right now, fear of being judged for what I am writing now.

What if people cannot accept it? What if people think that it's bullshit?

What I have learned is that the level of acceptance for everyone is unfortunately different. Not everyone ca accept you for who you are.

I need a break. I do not know since when or how long I have been using this sentence.

I feel so worried. I feel so pressured. I cannot find peace. Constantly worried. Be on guard. Restless. Like something is just going to pounce on me anytime.

I wish to go somewhere beautiful. Detached from the reality. For maybe a week.

I am not ready to face anything.

I am just merely forcing myself.

Why do I feel much more worse after putting everything in words?