其实，当一段友谊已经到了一个让你感到很累很辛苦的阶段，我宁愿不再做好朋友，大家就做个hi-bye朋友。
我不想把自己成为别人的负担，或忧愁的原因。
简简单单就好了 :)


其实，在你们的身边，我已经感觉到我无法做回我自己。所有的话，我的一举一动，都必须小心，因为你们都在观察我。

我其实也很辛苦。但这样做，大家都会开心。

我是你们的朋友，不是你的病人，你也不是我的心理医生。

我为我们的友谊感到心痛，我也真的不知道身边的朋友谁能够信任，谁其实在忍着我，心里暗中不爽我。

我真的挂着诚意和诚心和你们做朋友。

面对你们，我需要很大的力气，来在我的脸上粘着笑容，做些会让你们开心的事。 


我正在学会做个双面人，不是因为我很假，只是不想让自己让别人那么容易猜测我下一个举动。

我终于能够回家了。

想回家休息。

我新买的tablet也到了！希望我的期待不会被失望。

一个懂你泪水的朋友，胜过一群只懂你笑容的朋友

把我痛骂一顿，就交待我身边的好友照顾我，多关心我？

你这样是什么意思？

我听到又了不知道因该感到怎么样！

又心酸了。


也生气你。


你如果早已放弃我，而我也另你感到很烦，你很累，那其实我干脆你就完全不要管我了！不用你在乎我。

我能够照顾我自己！


反正你不是第一个放弃我的人。

我已早想学会坚强。学会做人。做个脸上永远带着笑容的人。

谢谢你给我这个机会。


需改的，我会改。

但你让我再次失去信心了。让我把周围的墙放得更高，更稳！把心完完全全留给我自己。

我只想考好成绩。

即使闭上眼睛，都会看到你那张生气的脸，头也不回走掉的背影。

真的很心酸。

心疼。
 
第一次被朋友骂到那样。

我活该？

没后悔的是我坚强忍着泪水，直到你走为此。

我只能做我能做的，继续对大家笑着过日子。

昨天，一位学姐对我说，你长大了。

无论是真是假，这对我来说是一个很大的鼓励，辛苦也是值得的。

搞完这星期的活动，就能回家休息，读好我的书。

该学会戴上面具了，学会时时刻刻地笑，学会闭上嘴巴，没必要就别说话了。

昨晚，好友从印尼打来。听到她的笑声和她的废话，真的让我好想念她。泪也就这样再次流了下来。这么多年以来，还有一个真心的好友，我以满足了。

顿时发觉，能做会我疯狂的自己，也就是和她和家人的时候。

I have a friend here who does not join activities, does not have many new friends, and who does nothing but get herself busy with assignments and studies only in university. She basically just go to classes and head back straight to her room after classes end everyday.

We were in class and I asked her something.

' Are you happy with your uni life?'

'What's there not to be happy about?' She answered.

And it got me thinking.

For a person who basically does nothing in her university life compared to me who is always busy dealing with activities and facing all kinds of shit, she is actually happier than I am.

A part of me feels like detaching myself from everything and just focus on my studies.

Where am I heading to with all the activities and problems I have in hand now?

Is it making be a better person or is it making me more miserable and make me despise my university life?

I  have been sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. And every morning when I wake up, it sucks knowing I have to wake up and face all these shit again.

Where have I gone wrong?

Friends? Who am I supposed to turn to?

Seems like most of them are just ignoring me. And they doubt me.

A good friend of mine kept telling me that it needs continuous efforts. Give them one last chance.

I'm tired. I'm tired of putting efforts in people who do not even care whether I do or not.

Can you hear my silent screams?

One thing I am sure about myself. 

 I am a person who does not have bad intentions. I do not do things with motives. Yes, I am emotional. But that's all. Even if I am mad at a person, I would not have the heart to actually have revenge or any kind of that.

I really do not understand the people around me.

Or is it the other way around?

My problem?

Or theirs?

Friendship.

Even after almost 20 years, I still don't think I grasp the skills of sustaining a friendship and to be a good friend.

Lots of shit happened. Lots of shit that needs to be settled. Lots of shit that I do not want to face.

I am running away from a lot of things. Not because I'm a coward, but because I do not know how to solve them nor do I know what to do.

Knowing too much and knowing too little? Which is better?

I am still digesting everything. It all happened too quick.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know who to approach.

I want to disappear.

I want to go home again.

There are so many things that I wish to blurt out. But I do not know where to start, or who will be willing to listen sincerely.

Remaining silence and bottling it up are not my way of doing things. But it seems like I have no choice.

I screw things up at times. But I really do mean to mend it.

But it seems like whatever effort I made, it does not mean anything to you.

I felt that my presence or absence makes no difference to you.

Is it true that people make their way around me just to keep me happy?

Am I just pathetic and sad?

Can I just quit everything I am doing now and just focus on my studies?

I've been saying I am tired since forever.

I really am tired already.

I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself whenever I feel the urge of calling somebody so I can feel better. I hate myself more when I feel stupid because the person I called does not seem to care even though it's clearly I am upset.

Feel like slapping myself already.

Can you just be strong?

Can you just be independent?

Can you just do better in pretending that everything is alright?

Can you just smile and keep smiling cause who cares what you're feeling inside?

Idiot.

人生的路，是风是雨，都要走。

 

很多事情做了后悔，

 
很多没做的事情也后悔。

 

总说别人不了解自己，

 
自己却也不一定能了解自己。

每天都这么忙忙碌碌，

 
忘了今天与今生的珍贵。

 

每个人在为了名利，拼死拼活

，
而忘了在有生之年，

 

 
应该要积一点德，做多一点善事。

我们来到这世上

，
谁都没打算活着回去。

 

人生几十年时间，

 
不要白来人间一趟。

 

一辈子不长，

 
谁都逃不过死亡，

 

 

 
因为如此，

 
我们更不应该虚度此生。

 

 

 

其实，有谁不想开心的。

想了一想，其实，我在大学里，就在这两个学期罢了，都已经为了各种原因流了不少泪水，难过压力的日子好像比开心的日子多得很。

我真的不知道啦。。

我什么都不知道。。

知道了太多，只搞到自己更乱。。不知道，就简直像个又蠢又天真的白痴。。

不知道啦。。

怎么觉得在大学的日子这么难过。。

想回家好好读我的书算了。

很失望的，没醉倒。

哎。。