I am finally back in Melaka after a few weeks long in Kedah and frankly speaking, I rather be back in my hostel room with my own space and routine life.

Melaka sadly speaking is a place filled with sorrows for me. I left with a broken heart and now I am back to face them all. And having my best friend in India and no one to go shopping and food hunting with, it's pretty lonely and depressing.

I have changed a lot, haven't I? The way I think, the way I dress, the way I mingle around.. I grew up. For better? or for worse?

I think I am a person that detach myself from feeling too deep. And the break up certainly pushed me more towards it.

You know those moments when you have to leave somewhere or someone and everyone starts to hug each other and cry? I despise those moments. And unlike others, I hold back my tears and pull myself away from the sadness, refusing to let it overwhelm me. It is not because I do not care, I am simply afraid to 'feel too much'. I really am. The less I feel, the less hurt I'll be, no?

Have you ever been to camps or motivational talks and all those where they ask you to close your eyes and start making you explore your past? your feelings? I refuse to do all that. No one knows of course. I do not want to open those closed up thoughts, sadness, boxes of memories stored at the back of my head. I simply detach myself. I am afraid to feel hurt. To explore my feelings. I can't. And I just can't. Perhaps, one day, when I finally meet that someone that I can unload my thoughts, my bottled feelings without feeling afraid.

My blog certainly stores a lot of secrets. Part of me that is unknown to others. You may not like what you see here, but this is me, peeling away those layers, revealing those secret thoughts, major events in my life.

This is my story.

"Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe."

~Neil Gaiman

Dead hearts are everywhere!

I was watching Chuck Season 4 and this song was one of the background song played. It caught my attention so I googled it and I managed to find it. Below are the lyrics:-

Tell me everything that happened,Tell me everything you saw.They had lights inside their eyes...They had lights inside their eyes...Did you see the closing window,Did you hear the slamming door?They moved forward and my heart died...They moved forward and my heart died...Please, please tell me what they looked like,Did they seem afraid of you?They were kids that I once knew...They were kids that I once knew...
I can say it, but you won't you believe me.You say you do, but you don't deceive me.It's hard to know they're out there,It's hard to know that you still care.I can say it, but you won't you believe me.You say you do, but you don't deceive me.Dead hearts are everywhere!Dead hearts are everywhere!
Did you touch them, did you hold them?Did they follow you to town?They make me feel I'm falling down...They make me feel I'm falling down...Was there one you saw too clearly,Did they seem too real to you?[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/dead-hearts-lyrics-stars.html ]They were kids that I once knew...They were kids that I once knew...
I can say it, but you won't you believe me.You say you do, but you don't deceive me.It's hard to know they're out there,It's hard to know that you still care.I can say it, but you won't you believe me.You say you do, but you don't deceive me.Dead hearts are everywhere!Dead hearts are everywhere!
I can say it, but you won't you believe me.You say you do, but you don't deceive me.It's hard to know they're out there,It's hard to know that you still care.I can say it, but you won't you believe me.You say you do, but you don't deceive me.Dead hearts are everywhere!Dead hearts are everywhere!
They were kids that I once knew...They were kids that I once knew...Now they're all dead hearts to you...Now they're all dead hearts to you...They were kids that I once knew...They were kids that I once knew...Now they're all dead hearts to you...

This song fascinates me because I can't really interpret the meaning behind the lyrics. I guess it's different for everyone. Below are some opinions:-

In a literal sense, the words of this song portray the female singer being consoled by the male singer after she has apparently had an encounter with ghosts. (Fittingly, as the opening track to a CD called “Five Ghosts” that often invokes imagery of the dead) Personally I imagine it being a foggy dusk, in a small rural town. The male character is eagerly trying to piece together what it is that she saw in her encounter, but she is seemingly shaken – if you’ll notice, she is not actually answering his questions, but speaking out to seemingly no one, as if still in shocked daze. She describes the ghosts as being visions of children she once knew, with “light” in their eyes, and she details the feelings of death and despair that came over her. The chorus talks about “they” (ghosts, or “dead hearts”) being out there, but insists most people fail to recognize it or believe in them.A few of the lines make it clear that this ‘supernatural experience’ is actually a metaphor. “It’s hard to know that you still care,” “Now they’re all dead hearts to you,” etc. The dead hearts represent the narrator having a stirring reflection about the meaningful people and things from her past that she has realized are now “dead” to her. Various people in whose eyes she once saw “light,” the people who once had vibrant, meaningful presences in her life – they have faded over years into distant memories. The song’s meaning is effectively that there are many people you lose and places you leave over a lifetime – sometimes purposefully, sometimes drifting away slowly or unintentionally – and that those dead hearts and forever lost feelings haunt everyone should they choose to realize and reflect upon them.

i think this song is about two lovers telling each other about their past boyfriends/girlfriends, and learning to accept that the other was at one point in love with all of those people. 

this song is about ghost. remember cole the kid who can see dead people in sixth sense said whenever he sees dead people.

COLE
Sometimes you feel it inside.
Like you're falling down real fast,
but you're really just standing
still.

I always thought it was about living people with dead hearts, people who used to have dreams but never really got the chance to fulfill them. "Kids that I once knew" makes it all the more painful if you knew these people personally; you knew what they wanted in life and are sad that they didn't get it. "It's hard to know they're out there, It's hard to know that you still care" could mean that you don't really recognize these people anymore ("once knew") and that they've become pretty apathetic; perhaps they've accepted that this is the most their lives will ever amount to. With their hearts dead, maybe they're just waiting for the rest of their selves to die. 

So what's your story?

A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the apple of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open. He was late for work so he asked the wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard. The mother, preoccupied in the kitchen, totally forgot the matter.

The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle and, fascinated with its color, drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed, the mother hurried him to the hospital, where he died. The mother was stunned. She was terrified how to face her husband.

When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just four words.

What do you think were the four words?

The husband just said "I Love You Darling"

The husband's totally unexpected reaction is proactive behavior. The child is dead. He can never be brought back to life. There is no point in finding fault with the mother. Besides, if only he have taken time to keep the bottle away, this will not have happened. No
point in attaching blame. She had also lost her only child. What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gave her.

Sometimes we spend time asking who is responsible or who to blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. We miss out some warmth in human relationship in giving each other support. After all, shouldn't forgiving someone we love be the easiest thing in the world to do? Treasure what you have. Don't multiply pain, anguish and suffering by holding on to forgiveness.

If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be much fewer problems in the world.

Take off all your envies, jealousies, unwillingness to forgive, selfishness, and fears and you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think...！

I wanna eat Tom Yam steamboat!!!  > <

I'm gonna have my first test ever in UUM tomorrow.. Am supposed to sleep earlier so I can wake up early tomorrow but alas, fell asleep for one hour so I feel wide awake now. Not. Good. =(

My bestie is leaving to India this Friday. I've never felt more alone. =( She's been there for me for almost 4 years now. No matter where we went for our separate ways, I know she will always be just one call away when I needed someone to complain to or just cry my heart out or just chat nonsensically. She was there listening to me cry over and over again when I was at the lowest moment of my life. She was there to talk to me when I felt merely lonely. Now.. she's gonna be miles away. =( She's that one special friend that I can just 'click' with and someone whom I know I can always be myself around with. I know I have great friends too, but... the thought of her not being in Malaysia, she just feels really really far..  =(

I am just so inclined to feel emo and sad and have deep thoughts in the middle of the night. Not. Good. =(

Somehow, I'm missing my mum lately. Never really happened before. I don't know why but I just miss her out of the blue. I have a little confession. I've never told my mum I love her. But deep down, I really do because I know she's the best mum ever. I am aware of how much she sacrificed for me and my siblings although I've never voiced that out. And I know no one will ever love me more than her. And if someone that will always accept me for who I am, it's her. If something ever happens to me (well just saying cause we will never know what's gonna happen tomorrow), someone please just tell her that I love her. :')

She sent me the cutest text ever the other day ( I think it's my bro that helped her type actually =.= )

' hello my daughter, why didn't you answer my call ( been really busy lately) . How are you? have you taken your dinner?From tan guat wan (My mum's name =.= ) '


It was kinda funny. But it feels warm inside knowing someone's thinking of me and actually bother to ask whether I have taken my dinner. I don't remember the last time someone asked me that.

Emo me. Am fine. teehee~

Do you know why she's unhappy?

It is because she cannot let go of the things that make her sad.

我。。不开心。。

是因为，我找不到开心的原因。。

Got depressed today and officially skipped my first class in uni.

I'm fine though.

Funny how you said that you know i'm trying my very best.

Funny how you said that you know you're taking me for granted.

Yet, funny how you never do something about it.

What's life man?

What did I do to deserve this daily living nightmare?

You know.. there are some things in life when you know that it's just a piece of shit yet you still push your head stubbornly towards it. So, I guess I pretty much deserve what I'm feeling now.

You can sit and watch me cry and say nothing.

You say things that you will never mean, over and over again.

Hurray. You're right. We'll be stuck forever this way.

You're even haunting my dreams.

Selfish much.

I'm waiting for that unknown someone,
to come wipe my tears,
pull me up,
and tell me that he's there for me no matter what.
That he cares.
That I can unload what I've been carrying.
That finally I can go to sleep and wake up with a smile again.

I am going to prove you wrong.

We'll do it your way.

This is the last time, I will do something for you.

I've been trying to tell you, I still care, and I treasure this, but you do not see it that way.

I've never known that someone can be that cold hearted and cruel.

This is your way of solving things, by running away.

I've did all I could. Being nice, trying to change myself, being bitchy, trying to talk to you, everything that I can think of. I have nothing left.

Mei Chien,

Keep your words this time. 

 I AM GONNA PROVE YOU WRONG. 

I hope you're happy. I've done what you wanted. I let you run, just because you're sick of everything.

ILY.

How easy.

This is very true. Very very true.

We don't know what we're missing

until we find it...    :')

How pictures never change, but the people in them do..

How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare....

How people can erase you from their lives just because it's easier than working things out..

That's why I am gonna send a message to someone if I know they are unhappy,

because at least they know there is still someone who cares,

and that might bring a smile to and lighten up their day.   =)

What goes around will come around...

Just you wait. XD

Open your heart.. and risk having it shattered.......

Yup.

The real question is..

UNTIL WHEN?

This is my favourite.

how much tears have I cried because of you...