其实，在这短短的几个星期内，很多事情发生，搞到我心里很乱，很挣扎。

身边的朋友一个两个都遇到困难，各都有自己必须应付的东西。

无可否认，我人生里，小学到中学到matric到如今，我真的第一次能够在一组里的朋友感到开心，舒服。第一次让我感觉有一班真正关心我，支持我的朋友。但事情搞到如今，是大部分我的错。虽然我真的想念有他们陪伴的日子，那段相处的日子也非常的开心，我也尽力去补救，但我真的不知道还需要做什么了。也许，我自己也无法原谅自己。我对你们说的几百句对不起，其实我自己也无法原谅自己。就只能顺其自然。

有时，我真的很累了。我真的没力把生活的每一部分搞好来。朋友，学业，我自己本身的问题。。我承认，我真的不是一个很好的朋友。。但，我尽力去改，尽力做我该做的。真的太多的事情发生。。我也有那种只想专心读书，什么都不理的念头。。最近，真的很糟糕。。考试的成绩竟然退步了。。 上课时也不知道老师在说什么。。

已经有点开始相通一些事。。即使几复杂，我也必须面对。从中学习我能够学习的。。

范玮琪+张韶涵-如果的事

觉得这首歌好浪漫哦。。。

如果你已经不能控制

每天想我一次

如果你因为我而诚实

如果你看我的电影

听我爱的CD

如果你能带我一起旅行

如果你决定跟随感觉

为爱勇敢一次

如果你说我们有彼此

如果你会开始相信

这般恋爱心情

如果你能给我如果的事

The story

Everyone each has their own story, and those moment of silent tears.

Just a path everyone needs to go through in life.

I'm not much of a Korean fan but this really caught my eye.

Interpret the MV below. =)

A friend is a gift

Enough with the emo posts! >.<

This time I'm gonna share a beautiful video dedicated to all my friends out there! 



Yes, it's easier to feel like you do not need help, but it's harder to walk on your own.




A friend is a gift.

The world comes to life

and everything's bright

from beginning to end

when you have a friend

by your side

that helps you to find

the beauty you are

when you open your heart

and believe in

the gift of a friend

Someone who knows 

when you're lost and you're scared

there through the highs and the lows

someone you can count on

someone who cares

beside you wherever you go

心乱。。

很不开心。

最近一直用睡来逃避一切。

为什么总觉得我让身边的每一个人失望？

我很对不起你们。。

即使我搞到身边没了人，这也是我活该。

我很累，也不知该找谁来帮我除掉这些结。

我忽然很讨厌这个地 方。

是我复杂？还是真的是太多东西发生和必须处理太多人？

我没用。

其实，我真的，真的很想追求一个简单的生活。。

但，我暂时还是做不到。

今天看到一句话，

‘如果哭不出，那就显得你弱。’

我，的确感觉在心里有着很多东西压着，但我一滴泪都哭不出。


我搞到我讨厌自己做回自己的地步。


有时真的很想静静，坐在那儿，不出声。


我又迷失方向了。

我的确很犯贱。

写了一切出来，觉得松了不少。

时间，或许是拿来给人家想通地吧！

我其实，没资格诉苦。

我生活的基本需求都拥有了。

只是不要让太多东西影响自己。

我会尽量会让自己想通的!

毕竟我学业最重要！

终于能够鉴定我的感受。。
我，累了。
想逃避。
不想面对。

出来后，觉得自己做的一塌糊涂。不知道自己说了什么。
尽力了。
顺其自然。

可能我就是那么没用的一种人。
若知道痛苦，就会怕，不想往那边走，不想面对。
真的没那种力气和勇气去克服它。

但，我不会放弃。

我只想休息。

忽然，觉得身边的每一个人都让我给自己很大的压力，很多问题需要去在乎，要烦。
我无法找到那个能让我快乐的原因。
不，问题不出现在他们那儿，是在我自己本身。
是我看东西看得很重，不会放开。

我知道自己很幸运，身边还有那几位真正关心我的人，肯听我诉苦，指出我的错误，领导我。
 
 其实，我也很讨厌自己性格的一部分。
为什么要那么复杂，为什么要那么让人难处理，了解。。

 为什么要做个垃圾？

我也很辛苦。。可能一辈子都无法找到我需要的垃圾桶。

我，到底有没有进步到？

难道，我还是之前的那个我？经过了那么多事，我还是没改变到？

我真的觉得我本身有很多问题。。整个人都有问题。。

昨天，有位朋友告诉我，美娟，其实你是个很好的人。但有时因为别人不了解你的一举一动，而会造成误会。

一位朋友又送我这句话：

钻牛角尖会蒙蔽你的眼睛;固执与自以为是会蒙蔽你的耳朵;没了聆听的能力，所说的话只会让


人避而远之。


他要我仔细地想，了解他所要表达的意思。



其实，你给了我一线地希望，但你没找回我，我知道你的答案了。这也不怪你。我真的太难处理，只是会添来更多的烦恼与问题。

为什么，为什么我不能简单一点？？？

知道，是我自己找来的。自己活该。


我没事的。
无论如何，我都会自己处理了。

独立，不是一种选择，而是一种必要。

不会，就要学。

想感谢一个人，知道我非常不开心，特地过来找我陪我聊天，让我发泄，忍受我的无理。你的关心，我心知。但，对不起，我无法给你什么。只能给你一声谢谢。






我忽然又想失踪，关掉面子书，不动手机，一个人这样过日子，什么都不管了，专心读书，考好

成绩就好了。

I feel so shitty and I LOOK shitty.

I really have this feeling of just crawling into a corner and just squat there. Or a bush. not to defecate. == just you know. emo.

I feel so miserable. And I don't know why.

Sleep deprived?

Exams?

PMS?

Some idiot that said something that really ticked me off?

I wanna cry. Till my heart's content.

Yell at everyone I see.

Scream my head of.

Throw something.

Hit someone.

Yes, that bad.

I haven't blogged in ages!!!

 Just stating an obvious fact for fun. haha.

Just to catch up, here's some minor updates on my life. Let's see.. Well I just ended my mid semester break, did not meet up with anyone in Melaka T.T sho lifeless. Watched Kids Not Naughty *IT'S AWESOME!* Having mid semester exam now. Am pissed with someone for saying some mean stuffs. Having an interview coming up. Addicted to Tetris again. Sleep deprived. Loaded with assignment, not money. oh yeahhh..

FINISHED HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER TILL SEASON 6! Still as awesome as ever!

STARTED WATCHING

MATH, SCIENCE, HISTORY, UNRAVELING THE MYSTERIES AND IT ALL STARTED WITH THE BIG BANG, 

BANGGG !

The theme song is reallyyyy catchy and nice. =D

Currently in season 2 now. It's still not as awesome as HIMYM or as funny too though. Guess it's because I feel that the whole show revolves more on Sheldon, the weird genius who doesn't get sarcasm. HAHA. Whereas in HIMYM, there are actually certain qualities I admire in it. Some will say it's more on Barney but nah, for me, all the characters matters and by the end of an episode, sometimes it gets me thinking. Simply put, meaningful. HIMYM is about friendship and the search for true love.  ;) I'm a bloody romantic at heart I guess.Let me introduce to meichien's equation!

True love = Jack + Rose  

( Titanic )

Soul mate = Marshall + Lily

( How I Met Your Mother)

Perfect lover = Bella + Edward
(Twilight Series)

Where do I even come up with these nonsense? I have no idea honestly. haha. Just crapping in the middle of the night, as usual. haha.

Oh my knight in shining armor, where art thou? Do you even exists? LOL.

Okay, maybe not a knight. haha. Just a guy that I can feel in my bones is the right guy.

One day, perhaps one day, I'll be the lucky girl having such a nice boyfriend that is admired by other girls instead of the other way around. haha.

LOL. and no, I'm not searching for love.

Wait for that one person that will love you as much as you love being yourself. =)

Discovery of the day!!!!

Does the guy looks familiar to you? ^^

Well, if you watched I Not Stupid 1&2 then yesh, you will recognize him alright!

His real name is Joshua Ang and that's his girlfriend, Clara Chan. And no, I was NOT stalking people or celebrities online. Recently, he was becoming a sensation on Facebook where everyone is saying how much the characters have grown over the years.

Anyway, I stumbled onto his real Fb account and guess what? He has a blog too!

Btw, if you're as curious as I was, here's his Facebook link. https://www.facebook.com/nutzhen?sk=wall
Now go stalk him! =P oh here's another one too cause his the other account has already reached it's limit. https://www.facebook.com/sg.joshua
 

So anyway, I did read his blog. =D He looks so Ah Beng and everything but his command of English is really good. Singaporean eh? Makes me feel like my English is as good as a primary school kid. =S And his blog is pretty interesting, considering it's the life of a celebrity and everything. And turns out that he's a pretty straight forward, I-don't-give-a-damn-about-what-you-think kind of guy. I mean, at least that's how I feel after I read his blog. And honestly, he gives me the impression of being a super open minded guy but hey, who am I to judge? Everyone's entitled to their own living lifestyle and opinions. Oh and one more thing, his mum did pass away when he was a kid. Poor boy, I'm just glad life turned out to be good on him after all. It's kinda inspiring too.

Anyway, I'm not exactly his fan nor do I hate him. But it's kinda awesome reading a celebrity's blog. It's like getting to know exactly how they live their life and everything. Just admit that no matter how much you keep telling yourself that they're just a normal person like us, but they just still feel somewhat different and a bit alien-ish and makes you go Wowwww. Haha.




Oh and before I forgot, here's the link to his blog, if you're interested to read http://joshuaang.sg



On a completely different note, I've been feeling quite weird lately. Like my brain is stuck and I can't just seem to find the words for anything. *facepalm*


Oh and I think Shawn is better looking. Sorry but I don't dig the Ah Beng oh pai kia's look. >< no offence.

A picture speaks a thousand word, eh?

This picture describes exactly what has been burdening me lately.

Thoughts to ponder on

One of the most vital aspect in survival is to observe people. Observe the way they act, observe their strengths and weaknesses and most importantly, observe and decide whether they're a friend or foe.

I blogged once how being in a relationship is like digging a hole. How you keep digging deeper and deeper until in the end it's all dark and you can't climb out anymore. I still like and am proud to use this metaphor. I was foolish and I ended up not protecting myself, not building a back up plan and it was definitely a long struggle for me.

Once bitten, twice shy. No matter being in a relationship or even friendship, while you are digging this hole, at the same time, do put on a plank at every level you reach. In that case, when you fall, you still can grab on to the nearest plank and pull yourself up.

Oh yes, trust is definitely a major issue here. Yet, one can trust and be aware of that person at the same time. It is up to you on where you set the limit. Perhaps, take trust as a measurement. When a person has reached your trust at let's say 20%, then shift that level higher. But keep in mind, you can't give it all too, or when you fall, you'll fall real hard and your whole world crumbles. Let he or she proves himself. In friendship, just one or two real friends is enough. As cliche as it sounds, it's the quality and not the quantity that defines how well supported you are by your friends.

I slept for only 2 hours yesterday,skipped a class and for the first time I really could not answer my quiz and I had to copy my friends answer blindly. But it was all worth it. My mind was opened and I start to think. Think about things that used to seem minor to me and see things beyond how they look. Those little things that I used to neglect, suddenly they are something that leads to something even bigger. Then I'll be like *facepalm* Oh gosh! It's all right in front of me! How can I not see that?

A whole lot of questions were threw to me. My brain was stuffed with too many inputs, definitely overloaded. I could not concentrate in my classes as my brain was still processing all those new information. I desperately needed someone to discuss with and share my thoughts.

I have never seen myself as a naive person. But unfortunately, I have finally see that I am, in the sense that I view things in a simple way. I am only complicated, not in the way my mind functions, but in the aspect of my personality. I really am looking for a simple life now and not worrying about things that are not necessary. I do not want to doubt people around me, I want to trust everyone. Yes, definitely naive.

This is like a game. It's all about strategy. It's a game of chess, just that it's real life people acting as your knights and soldiers. It's scary, it really is. I do not want to be involved, but how long can I avoid? Sooner or later, I will be entering the corporate world where I will be dealing with this issue, and perhaps even twice as worse!

What scared me the most, was how I've finally see the true color of a person who is considered quite close to me. It is scary, trust me I really am scared, for I do not know when it will be my turn for you to back stab me for your own personal selfish reasons in order for you to climb higher. Although I know the possibility of you doing that towards me is lower compared to others. I really want to view you as a simple friend who supports me, but sadly, I know I can't trust you 100%. I know life is complicated, and you're good in this game, but why are you using it for bad purposes? Why is achievement so important to you that you can use others and act so fake? I care for you as a friend and you were there when I needed someone, that's why I'm saying all these. I hope you change. For right now, if given a situation where there can only be one survivor, you will choose for me to die, even if you know I trust you deeply. Honestly, although I am not surprised by this fact, but I will say that you disappoint me. I was scarred and was extremely hurt by a person that I trusted 101% before, I won't let the same thing happen again.

I know, that the next path I take will be tough for me, and there is also a probability of me having to change plans cause things might not go smoothly. It will be long and tiring, but yet at the end of this short journey, it will be worth it for I will develop. I will make mental notes on what I intend to achieve and my next step. I will not let myself give up, or be pushed down by others. It does not matter if you do not appreciate me, the potential in me, simply because you are blinded by your own selfishness, because no matter what, I will still have a learning point and I definitely will be a better, improved person. That is what I am looking for.

I hope one day, I will be helping others to develop too. Being good in this game, doesn't mean you will be an evil person. It's all up to you.

The rule of this game is broken for someone warned me that I was falling instead of letting me just break myself and struggle to recover. I am extremely fortunate to have such guidance. I will not disappoint all the efforts.

This is a long post, and it hasn't even covered up most of the inputs that are processing in my mind. But what I said, I guess are things that matters and has the most impact on me. I cannot predict what will happen in the future or have a clear vision of what I should aim at, but I guess just go with the flow.

My goal in my next path is only to achieve what I am after, no more striving for the recognition and achievements. Of course I will go for that, but at this moment right now, I need to slow down my footsteps and look. Really really really look around me.

Please don't think that I think highly of myself. I am just a little girl beneath honestly, and no doubt, far from perfect. I am learning while going through different points in my life. I meet various people. I fall. I cry. But, I am willing to learn. I really do. For my own sake.

I hope this post makes sense. Like all my other posts, it comes straight from my heart.

18 truths you should start telling yourself

Blog walked again! Stalker much? Blehhh.. haha.

And so what I found today was a really meaningful article which I would like to share with everyone. =)

It's long, but it's worth your time! trust me! *wink* Just something for you to ponder upon if you're going through a rough period now.

18 truths that you should start telling yourself:

1. I can only be ME.
   – Stop trying to be someone else’s idea of perfect.  Be your imperfectly perfect self.  Be YOU.  When they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same.  Judy Garland once said, “Always be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else.”  Live by this statement.  There is no such thing as living in someone else’s shoes.  The only shoes you can occupy are your own.  If you aren’t being yourself, you aren’t truly living – you’re merely existing.
2. This is my life, and my dreams are WORTH IT.
   – Life is a courageous journey or nothing at all.  We cannot become who we want to be by continuing to do exactly what we’ve been doing.  If you are passionate about something, pursue it, no matter what anyone else thinks.  That’s how dreams are achieved.  Be deaf when people tell you that you can’t fulfill your dreams.  The only place where your goals and dreams are impossible is inside your head.  Once you’ve dreamed of it, you’re halfway there.  So go ahead and follow through.  Let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions louder than your words.  Follow your heart regardless of what others tell you to do.  At the end of the day it’s you who has to live with your decisions, not them.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
3. Everything, good or bad, is a life lesson.
   – Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc. – they’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’  Never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way.  If you don’t get a job that you wanted or a relationship doesn’t work, it only means something better is out there waiting.  And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it. Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons.  Love yourself, trust your choices, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward.
4. A few REAL friends are all I need.
   – When it comes to relationships, focus on quality over quantity.  Spend your time with friends who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways.  They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.  Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you feel pressured to impress. These people make your day a little bit brighter simply by being in it.  It is better to have one true friend than all the acquaintances in the world.
5. My actions and words directly affect the lives around me.
   – Lead by example.  Practice what you preach or don’t preach at all.  Walk the talk!  People watch what you do more than they listen to what you say.  Inspire, challenge and encourage people to their best, by doing YOUR best.  And when someone else is doing a great job, tell them that you’re proud of them.  Encourage them.  Take the time to recognize their effort.  If they know you believe they can do great things, they will often go to great lengths to live up to your expectations.  Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.  Optimism is a happiness magnet.  If you stay positive and confident, good things and good people will be drawn to you.
6. Broken promises destroy relationships.
   – You make commitments to others and yourself all the time.  The question is: Do you keep them?  If you said you’re going to do something, do it!  When you fail to keep a promise, it tells others that you don’t value their time or relationship.  Don’t over-promise; under-promise and over-deliver on everything you do.  And a few words to the wise:  Never make a big decision when you’re angry, and never make a big promise when you’re overjoyed.
7. The little things are often the big things.
   – Keep it simple.  There is absolute joy and wonder to be had in the simplest of moments – like watching the sunset over the horizon or spending time with a family member.  Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.
8. People regret the things they did NOT do.
   – You miss 100% of the shots you never take.  Choices, chances and changes – start making them.  You must make a choice to take a chance, or your life will never change.  In the end, more so than the mistakes we made, we regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.
9. Small people can make a BIG difference.
   – Stay positive when negativity surrounds you.  Smile when others frown.  It’s an easy way to make a difference.  There are many small, simple actions you can make to profoundly impact your family, your community, and the world.  You could pick up and throw away some trash you see on the street.  Send thoughts of loving kindness, support and peace to a friend.  Find something in your house you no longer need and give to someone who could use it.  Everyone values the gift of unexpected assistance and those who supply it.  Leave everything a little better than you found it.  You’ll see why.
10. Adversity makes us strong and wise.
    – Pain makes you stronger.  Tears make you braver.  Heartbreak makes you wiser.  Be grateful for your past because it helped shape who you are.  And thank the past for a better future.  Live for today, learn from yesterday, and hope for tomorrow.  Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s aboutlearning to dance in the rain.
11. Everyone deserves kindness and respect. 
    – Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are.  There are no boundaries or classes that define a group of people that deserve to be respected.  Treat everyone with the same level of respect you would give to your grandfather and the same level of patience you would have with your baby brother.  People will notice your kindness.
12. Everyone has something amazing to offer.
    – Accept people just the way they are.  In most cases it’s impossible to change them anyway, and it’s rude to try.  If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer.  Open your mind, arms and heart to all people; we are united in our differences, and stronger together because of them.
13. There’s no point in doing something if I’m not going to do it right.
    – I’m impressed by great guitarists, writers, bloggers, painters, motivational speakers, internet entrepreneurs, computer engineers, mothers, fathers, athletes, etc.  And there’s only one thing they all have in common: They excel at what they do.  There’s no point in doing something if you aren’t going to do it right.  Excel at your work and excel at your hobbies.  Develop a reputation for yourself, a reputation for consistent excellence.  Read The Four Agreements.
14. Dishonesty should never be tolerated.
    – Nobody likes a liar.  In the long-run, the truth always reveals itself anyway.  Either you own up to your actions or your actions will ultimately own you.  Living a life of honesty creates peace of mind, and peace of mind is priceless.  Period.  Don’t be dishonest and don’t put up with people who are.
15. Personal growth will feel uncomfortable at first. – Growth always begins at the end of your comfort zone.  So break out of your comfort zone and try something new.  Fight the unfamiliar and enjoy the experience.  Try out that new restaurant.  Stop by the new park.  Routines stagnate us.  New experiences help us grow and they make life interesting.  Make an effort to try something new every day this week.  It can be a whole new activity or just a small experience, such as talking to a stranger.  Once you get the ball rolling, many of these new experiences will open doors to life changing opportunities.  And with a strategy of continuous small steps into new experiences, we are able to sidestep the biggest barrier to positive change:  Fear.
16. Happiness is a choice that comes from within.
    – Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect, it means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.  There are choices you can make every day to feel the effects of happiness.  Choose to be around the right people.  Choose to focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.  Choose a good attitude.  Choose to express gratitude.  Choose to forgive.  Choose to take care of your body.  Begin today by taking responsibility for your own happiness.  The choice is yours.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
17. The more I invest in myself, the more control I will have over my life.
    – Invest time and energy in yourself every day.  When you invest in yourself, you can never lose, and over time you will change the trajectory of your life.  You are simply the product of what you know.  The more time and energy you spend acquiring pertinent knowledge, the more control you have over your life.
18. Knowledge without action accomplishes nothing.
    – The number one thing I persistently see holding smart people back is their own reluctance to take action with the knowledge they already have.  In other words, they believe they require additional knowledge, skill, experience, etc. before they can aptly partake in an opportunity.  Yes, more knowledge is great to have, but without action it doesn’t get you anywhere.  You’ve got to take baby steps.  You’ve got to act on what you know.  Remember, the acquisition of knowledge doesn’t mean you’re growing; growing happens when what you know changes how you live.

I did not block anyone.

I deactivated Facebook.

Just informing.

No whys or because-s.

So don't ask.

Who says there can't be any other entertainments online besides Facebook?

*wink*

Going Secret Recipe this Thurs, anyone who wants me to buy them a cake can just text me! =) will be back before 2pm.