Friendship.

Even after almost 20 years, I still don't think I grasp the skills of sustaining a friendship and to be a good friend.

Lots of shit happened. Lots of shit that needs to be settled. Lots of shit that I do not want to face.

I am running away from a lot of things. Not because I'm a coward, but because I do not know how to solve them nor do I know what to do.

Knowing too much and knowing too little? Which is better?

I am still digesting everything. It all happened too quick.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know who to approach.

I want to disappear.

I want to go home again.

There are so many things that I wish to blurt out. But I do not know where to start, or who will be willing to listen sincerely.

Remaining silence and bottling it up are not my way of doing things. But it seems like I have no choice.

I screw things up at times. But I really do mean to mend it.

But it seems like whatever effort I made, it does not mean anything to you.

I felt that my presence or absence makes no difference to you.

Is it true that people make their way around me just to keep me happy?

Am I just pathetic and sad?

Can I just quit everything I am doing now and just focus on my studies?

I've been saying I am tired since forever.

I really am tired already.

I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself whenever I feel the urge of calling somebody so I can feel better. I hate myself more when I feel stupid because the person I called does not seem to care even though it's clearly I am upset.

Feel like slapping myself already.

Can you just be strong?

Can you just be independent?

Can you just do better in pretending that everything is alright?

Can you just smile and keep smiling cause who cares what you're feeling inside?

Idiot.