This is going to be a long post cause my inspiration to blog has already returned to my side.

I don't trust people easily. Is that a bad thing?

I hate being back stabbed. I hate having fake friends.I hate telling stuffs to people whom I thought I could trust and the next minute, the whole world knows.

When in doubt of my friends, automatically I will build an invisible wall and avoid them. It comes so naturally that I can't help it. It is invisible but I know people can feel them and that in turns affect the friendship. It's just that I need some time away from them, to digest what they did before I continue such friendship.

I'm not a faker. That's why I have such low EQ. I opt for honesty. I show my emotions. I feel difficult to lie to someone or to hide what I am feeling. A friend of mine once told me it's a good thing because I am true to others. But honestly it's not. I could lose friends this way, my performance will be affected.

What I am searching for is a sincere, uncomplicated bunch of people. Sometimes, I do admire people who can laugh and just hide their true emotions. Maybe they dislike you, but in front of you they can just act as if they are understanding and willing to help. What great skills. One that I don't possess.

I feel hurt when people judge me.

I found out something from my teammate yesterday. I am so disappointed. Does that mean from the beginning in the allocation of team, everyone has already given up on me, expecting me not to perform well instead of believing in me and convincing me? You think I'm not disappointed in myself because I know I can perform better? I keep having this nagging feeling that with a different kind of approach and environment I can actually excel. You think that when I see my teammate progressing so quickly, I don't feel left behind? No, I am not trying to blame anyone. It's my own fault. That is why I still chose to extend my period after everything. But it seems like you guys have given up on me in the very first place and I feel hurt. Maybe I should have resigned, like the others, instead of believing in my team.

Who do one trust in life?

I really don't know.

Maybe I am tired, hence the emo-ness. I doubt myself a lot. I have my weaknesses and trust me, they appear to me bigger than my strengths. I am harsh towards myself. But before you judge me, do know that I am trying to change and improve. Who doesn't want to be a better person?

I feel so lost again.