I've realized how much happier I am since the day I met you.

It's lovely, having someone to take care of me.

Having someone to make me laugh when I'm crying.

Talking to someone on a daily basis on the phone.

I have successfully distracted myself and I am pulling myself up again.

I hope that our friendship will not end here.

You may not know it, but you helped me a lot. Without everything you've done for me, I will still be equally miserable.

=)

December

December marks the end of a year. It's been a long, unhappy year for me.

December also marks the coming of my finals, and remind me that my first semester is coming to an end.

December marks the beginning of a new journey for me.

=)

The start of my AIESEC experience...

I joined AIESEC with not much plans in my head. In fact I barely knew what it was about. It was introduced by a friend back in matriculation so I was like, oh well just give it a try for fun! And most importantly, English is used as the medium of language.

I paid RM5 and went for their introduction day. It started off with so much spirit I was kinda fascinated. haha. Imagine walking into a hall in darkness and people beside cheering and clapping with loud music blaring in the background. You don't get to do something like that everyday. Next, came dancing! lol! I guess till today that's my 2 favorite things in AIESEC - the cheering and square dances! =D oh i forgot to mention that those AIESECers looked very professional in their suits and formal attire. Very good first impression. Anyway, in short, I actually found the sessions to be a bit boring towards the end but the one thing that set my mind into joining AIESEC was the final sharing by an alumni. I was blown away by his experiences in AIESEC and signed up for their chitchat session.

I didn't attend their Emergence Day where they introduced the various departments due to another event. Anyhow, I went to their first meeting. In the beginning, I was truly disappointed as it didn't really meet my expectations. I couldn't find my sense of belonging and I already had the thought of quitting. But I thought I should just keep giving it a chance, at least for one semester. So I continued..

Next came the interview for their Team Member Program where we will be assigned into departments. I took it up as a challenge and just went for it, not knowing what departments I had in mind. What i didn't expect was the formality and toughness of the interview. It was a great practice for real life job interview. It went quite smoothly I guess and I did what I did best - crap with confidence. LOL! and when the results came out, I was assigned with a department I was totally clueless about - Junior Executive of Corporate Relations. I didn't quite like the idea of it's functions to be honest. Calling and meeting companies and such. Still I hung on...

Next came - LLDS ( Local Leadership Development Seminar)! It was during my mid term break and I had to sacrifice 3 days of my holidays for it. Somehow, I ended up signing up for it. And it's not a decision I regretted. Honestly, I was bored and regretting already at the start of it. Eventually, I stared getting carried away by the originality of their activities and the people there especially the facilitators that were super awesome! I realized that in AIESEC, not only you are able to polish various skills but you will meet true friends there. I learned a lot, had fun and had more friends at the end of it. By the last day, the camp already went beyond my expectations and I have a clearer vision on what AIESEC is all about.

Back to my department, I really did not enjoy being a part of it. I was hesitating whether to quit or not as I did not find that satisfaction that I've been looking for. I just simply dislike the idea of calling unknown people. Once again, I hung on. LOL! I seem to say that a lot. Anyhow, unexpectedly, I believe it was due to the stimulation in LLDS and my understanding manager, I am actually starting to find a liking for it. I believe deep down through this department, I will learn a lot and by the time I graduate, I would be someone different and prepared for my working life. Besides, I have found great friends there! =D


Back to the present, the next event that will be coming up is MyLds, a national conference that will be held in UKM next year. For unknown reasons and for the fun for it, I signed up for the interview for their Chief Delegate Team. Honestly, I didn't take it quite seriously. Since it is such a huge event, I was just contented with a small role in it and I so did not want to apply for the Chief Delegate position. I simply did not have the confidence and it is such a huge responsibility. Can't really picture myself handling everything. I rather let someone else have that headache. XD As for the other positions, I just didn't have the talents required.  The night before it, I even stayed up till 5am watching prison break and felt so awful the next day. Went to class. Slept in class. And went for the interview without much preparations.

What I didn't expect today was when they announced the results...

CHIEF DELEGATE??!!

oh nooooo...

I freaked out. I was worried. What if I screw this? What if I disappoint everyone? What if in the end everyone thinks that I'm the worst leader ever?

I don't know what is going to happen next.

What I do know that this, is the beginning of the AIESEC experience that I have been looking for.

A hole

I have this new perspective regarding relationships.

Being in a relationship is like digging a hole.

Sure, at first, you can still see the light, feel the fresh air and you're in fact actually enjoying doing it. 

As time passes by, the hole gets deeper, and not to forget, darker as well. Problems start arising. Paranoia. Trust issues. Everything becomes suffocating. You can't breathe. You feel the need to get out. You fall and you get hurt. And the longer you are in a relationship, the deeper the hole gets. If things unfortunately didn't end well, you will need a hell lot of time to climb out, searching for the lights again.

Watching my friends around me breaking up with their boyfriends/girlfriends. I can't help but feel that sometimes, relationships seem pretty meaningless. You hurt yourself and you hurt others too. I mean it's great to love and be loved, it's truly a great feeling. But.. is it worth it? It's complicated. Happiness entwined with deep sadness. 

As for me at this moment, I have a long healing process more to go and I am only starting to find myself again. Therefore, I shall stay on the ground and enjoy my fresh air and the view. teehee~

It's time to change.

When I'm unhappy or depressed or sad, I will have eating disorder.

Not bullimia or anorexia.

I skip meals. And when I start eating, I eat A LOT.

Basically i can not eat breakfast and lunch and when it comes to dinner, weee~~ i will eat yummy yummy foods!

Have you ever?

Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over
Knowing there's so much more to say,
And suddenly the moment's gone, and all your dreams are upside down, and you just want to change the way the world goes round, tell me

Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go.

Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together,
Back in your arms where I belong,
And now I've finally realized, it was forever that I've found,
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round, tell me

Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go.

Don't even want to hear you say, that you know just how it feels,
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see
Oh and though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow, 
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round, tell me

Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go