I will

I will tell myself,
I will find a better someone.
One that appreciates me,
One that seeks comfort in me,
One who adores me,
One who i can lean on,
One that stays with me through thick and thin,
One who trusts me and vice versa ,
One who will not make me cry,
One who will give me numerous lovely memories.

I am not asking for a perfect someone. Just a someone that loves me sincerely for who I am and who will always be my pillar of strength.A reason for me to wake up everyday. A reason for me to smile.
I am not perfect myself. I am just a growing adolescent, trying to find a place in this world. I am still searching for myself, and changing myself  constantly to be a better person. Through life experiences, I see my flaws clearer. Life is challenging, no doubt. Time moves on, whether we are ready or not for it.

This post is rather random I suppose. Just felt frustrated after studying. Somehow, I can never understand how someone can study non-stop for hours. I wonder where do they find the motivation to do it. Rather than releasing my frustration on anyone, blogging is definitely a better choice. Even though I have to sit outside the corridor and feed myself to mosquitoes.Nevertheless, it's worth it. It's nice to let out my thoughts. I am always so full of them. Guess that is what happens when we think too much.

My mid semester examination will be in 2 days time. I am suppose to panic, feel stressed, everything. Yet, I still feel so lazy. I am pretty much doomed. Will I be as lucky for this time as well? I'm gonna cross my fingers. And toes. =S One mark, can make such a huge difference. Life is indeed depressing. haha.

Low battery. Oops. My cue to stop.

A whole new year - ready ? or not ?

There. Year 2010. It flew by me.

What have I done during the whole year?

Hmm... 

I guess I am just too lazy to think it through.

No doubt, it was eventful,

Just like every other year.

So..

Am i excited about the New year, 2011?

I guess you can say i'm not.

Hah.

Was i counting down the other night?

Nope. Was sleeping already.

Hah.

Do I have any New Year resolutions?

Lemme think..

* One second later*

Nope.

Hah.

LOL

I guess a new year doesn't bring anything special to me.

There isn't anything exciting for me to look forward to i guess.

It's not that i am emo.. 

Noooo...

It's just that it feels like every other day to me.

That's all..   =)

OH WAIT..

Not to forget, 

I am really getting older. 

I feel like my youth is slipping past me already..

Nooooooo....

See.. 

i'll be 19

then 20

next 25

30

40

50???!!!

oh crap... 

I miss being young!!!

ALREADY!

LOL

I sound so crappy.

Oh well..

My mid sem is in one week's time..

AND YET,

I feel soo lazy..

And bored.

Gosh I hope i get into a good university.

=(

UM PLS!

OR UPM WILL DO TOO!

Last choice- UUM...

That is like miles apart from home.

Sigh.

Anyway,

Happy New Year to everyone!

It's time to put our past behind,

Hold your head up high,

And simply move on.

=D

LET'S JUST HOPE THAT THIS YEAR BRINGS MORE JOY THAN SADNESS TO ALL OF US!

P/S: blogging is fun I guess. At least I have a place to channel out my thoughts. though it feels like i'm talking to myself. LOL.

Somebody out there

Sittin' all alone in your room
Thinkin' that the world's let you down
All you ever wanted to do is trust someone to always be around
You've had a lot of lessons to learn from
Some of them hit you so hard
And I keep believing someday you'll see, you don't have to be alone

There's somebody out there, somebody somewhere to show you the tenderness you need
Somebody to hold you when worries control you
I'd give anything if only you knew it was me

*Somebody out there - David Archuleta *

       Do you really believe that there is somebody for you out there? That he/she will stay by you through thick and thin, yet loving you just the same way he/she loved you before? Or am i merely quoting a fairy tale happy ending?

 

Have you?

Have you

Ever felt as if there are more things that bring sadness to you compared to happiness?

Have you

Ever felt like crying your heart out, 

yet knowing there will be no one to comfort you?

Have you

Ever in your time of joy, or the lowest moment of your life,

Scrolled from the top to the bottom of the name list of your cell phone

yet finding no one to turn to?

Have you 

Ever found a special someone that you naively thought always will be your pillar of strength, 

Never to disappoint you nor inflicting pain,

Yet discovering that it was all a short dream after all?

Have you

Ever felt like closing your eyes, letting yourself drift to the ever peaceful dreamland,your only haven,

Never to wake up again?

Well if you have not encountered such situations,

Allow me to congratulate you,

You are one lucky person.

 

The future

When I was just a little girl,

I asked my mother,

What will I be?

Will i be pretty?

Will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me.

Que sera sera,

Whatever will be, will be,

The future's not ours to see,

Que sera sera,
What will be, will be.                                                   

- Doris Day ' Que Sera Sera' -                                                 

A sweet song about the future.

The future. It never fails in making us wonder, leaving us with doubts. Always questions, but never answers.

A year before this, it never crossed my mind that I will end up where I am right now. Sometimes, when I take a look back in  the past, it never fails to amaze me. The future certainly has it's fair share of surprises for me. I have done things I told myself I will never do, my mind and perspective on things took a turn around.

We've come across crossroads, where one wrong decision will leave us filled with regrets for the rest of our life. Such a big impact, scary in it's own way, a nightmare for some. That is why, I am no fan in making huge decision, where the responsibility and burden it holds is too heavy for me.

Soon, I will be faced in such dilemma again. High school life was easy, as I happily accepted whatever that was thrown to me. Lower secondary, there was PMR to aim for. Upper secondary, there was SPM to strive for. 

They say, ' You will know it when you know '. However, I never seem to know anything. I secretly envy and admire those who seem to just know what they want in life, what they want to be in the future. Almost already 18 years of my life spent, yet I never seem to uncover any hidden talent or interest in anything. It's like being in the middle of everything, neither liking it or hating it.

Loving money and dreaming to be filthy rich someday, I thought, hey maybe I can be an accountant. Thus, a drastic change in the subjects I took. From a pure Science student, now an Art student, I am still left undecided of what I want to be in the future.

Friends, acquaintances, told me that my personality does not suit an accountant.  True in a way i guess. But, what is my true personality anyway? Am i bubbly? Am I emo? Am I antisocial? Am I difficult to deal with? Different people has different opinions on me. Which do i follow? Many has suggested me to major in Law. Even a lecturer here did! And that is a suggestion that i will consider deeply. As for accountancy, I might rule it out after all, but not merely because everyone told me to.

A friend of mine told me this the other day, " You are not born to be good in anything, but you learn to be good in it" ( if you are reading this, thanks for all those advices! =) ). No matter where I end up in the future, whether I am living my dream life, or dreading to go to work everyday, it is where I will be for the rest of my life. And only the the future me truly knows. 

A lifetime decision is made in a split second. 

Just like everyone out there, I hope I will make the right one.

Wondering . . .

Today, i felt a strong urge to blog again. Weird, for a person who abandoned her blog for a long time. Someone once told me that she doesn't agree to the idea of blogging, because it is like an open diary. True, it is opened to the public and there is no privacy in it. However, sometimes, for people just like me, blogging can be an effective way to channel out my thoughts and feelings. I will just assume my blog is too boring and no one reads it. LOL. =)

Keeping one's thought to oneself is indeed quite burdening at times. Like a heavy stone that you are carrying. This morning , during one of my lecture classes, where i am battling to overcome my sleepiness as usual, class was interrupted by a Chinese-Muslim guy. He was a representative from MERCY ( a charity organization  ) and was here to sell a dvd containing a documentation which focuses on the people suffering in Gaza, Pakistan. The 90 minutes documentation reflects on  the violence that are happening there. Gang rape, murders and other revolting acts. The dvd cost RM10 and 100% of the profit collected will go to the needy people there. I will openly admit that i am a coward. I knew that i do not have the guts to watch it and so i just gave a little donation. Another excuse will be I only have less that 10 bucks in my wallet ( seriously! not joking ). If i am not mistaken, the people there actually practice stoning to death in public. It really is horrifying and is really beyond any words to describe.

It makes me wonder how those people in countries like that lead their life. It must be a vast difference from ours. Imagine living in fear everyday, and going through each day is a challenging task. I know I will never understand their predicament. When we are here busy lamenting about how miserable our life is ( including myself ), those people are facing the real ugly side of the world. It is indeed a big, big world and after living for more that 17 years of my life, I realized I haven't seen much of it. Just like most people, I mind my own business daily and although I read the newspaper at times, I am still ignorant about what is happening on the other side of the world, simply because I am not the ones that are going through it. Nevertheless, it makes me feel grateful that I am fortunate to live in a country that although have it's own complications, but still is a peaceful, war and natural disasters free place to live.

I wonder if there is an afterlife for us all. Do heaven really exists? If yes, how will life be? Will it be simpler? Harmonious? Happy? No sadness, no problems, no worries? This life is full of expectations. We are expected to do well in our studies, get a good job, marry, have a family and back to our Creator. And this process repeats itself over and over again. It simply leave us with no other choice. How will life be if we are free to do whatever that we want to do ( of course, i am referring to positive events here, such as traveling around the world, maybe?) ?

What are we actually searching for in our life? This is a question that i have yet to have an answer.

Oh well, I do not deny that I am a person who thinks too much at times. =) It is just how I am. And right now, I can finally concentrate on my never ending tutorial works without feeling distracted by my thoughts anymore. hehe.  

P.S : I apologize for any grammar or word errors.

JUst a disorganized stream of thoughts

     Much have happened since the last time i posted a new post here. I guess i just feel the need to express everything out and get them out of my mind. Everything will be a little bit disorganized as i am just going to write whatever that comes into my mind right now.

    

    I guess i can say that i don't really enjoy life here very much. I miss my secondary class environment, especially one that uses English as the medium of interaction. Here, most of the time i speak using BM and Chinese. English that was once a language that i used all the time became the one that i least use right now. Not to condemn or underestimate anyone ( I know that my English is just average) , even during English lessons, speaking in English is difficult for most of my classmates. It is a challenge trying to understand what are they trying to express. And it certainly bores me out during English lessons most of the time. Heck, even Mr Harry's English classes were more interesting. At least i get to watch Sound of music and The devil wears prada. I am also starting to worry about my English Muet Speaking. It is around the corner, maybe few weeks after Raya. There is this part where we have to do group discussion. If my group members ( most likely my classmates ) have difficulty understanding what am trying to say, then how are we going to communicate? If i really do get a low band, not because i cannot speak, but because of my group members, how can this be fair to me? Will my English starts to deteriorate?

  

    I think that i offended quite a number of my classmates unintentionally. I am sorry that i am an emotional person who has various mood swings all the time. My emotions rule over me. Maybe some felt hurt by my words or actions. Today, in fact just an hour ago, one of my classmates asked me in a straight forward manner, " Why are Melaka people rude?" I was speechless. Then she added, " Well, most. " Of course i felt hurt. I am not being paranoid i hope. But there is a high possibility that she aimed that question at me. I really didn't know what to say. I guess it is my own fault. I don't click much with them anyway. Different frequency. Besides, life here is so routine that i just go through day by day blindly. Most of the time i am sleepy in class and when it comes to me being sleep deprived, do stay far away. I am a cranky person when i don't get enough sleep. =(

   

    Have you ever realized that having a peaceful and quiet environment is such a luxury? Well, it certainly is to me here. Roommates can really test your patience at times. My roommates are okay overall i guess but one of my roommates just love to on her music out loud on her hand phone. And when she is not doing that, she sings. I can't decide which is worse. If two of my other roommates can use ear phones so why can't she? I myself feel uncomfortable and guilty if i blast my songs out loud..I am not trying to badmouth her ( yea.. i feel a bit guilty ) but there is others around you that might not enjoy listening to your songs. And during this festive season, i understand her excitement in welcoming Hari Raya but....sigh.. Sometimes i need to study. And who likes being disturbed when they are sleeping right? This morning i woke up about 5 plus because they are talking loudly during " Sahur " . I was really toying with the idea of waking up straight and go to my friend's room. But i overheard them saying they want to go back to sleep so i waited for them to finish eating and just go back to sleep.   okay.. Maybe i am selfish. I guess i can't expect everyone to follow what i want. I can only be grateful that the radio she brought is here is spoilt. hehe.

    Ahhhh.... I am a person that complains a lot , don't I? haha. This is just my nature i guess. There's this guy that always ask " Hey what's your complain today?" every time i bump into him. =.=" Not funny. hehe. I do have friends here that are nice,mostly Chinese. They are pretty much a bunch of amusing people. Though, they like to tease me and make fun of me. Sure, my chinese isn't really that wonderful and i do mispronounce some of the words and maybe sometimes i don't understand some words. But, at least i can write and speak in Chinese ( no offence to bananas, hehe ). And is my movement and actions when i talk that exaggerating? I don't understand why do they like to mimic me. I really do not do it intentionally. T.T haha. Anyway, they are going to KL this week for fun and invited me. I am still hesitating to go or not. Should I or shouldn't I? That is the question. LOL. I kinda spent a lot of money already last month. About RM350. I am starting to get so spendthrift. Yikes!

    

   Well.. I do feel much much better now after voicing all my thoughts out. Life is a non stop process. It can be tired at tines. At times, when my thoughts are just wandering freely, I wonder to myself ,"What on Earth are we searching for our life? ". We humans are never satisfied with what we have. I used to wish secondary will be over quickly, but now that it is over, i miss those days. At least i have friends that i have known for years to laugh, talk and being made fun of. At least i was in a comfortable environment. Now, everyone is scattered everywhere, living their own life as it is. Do not get me wrong. I am grateful that i managed to secure a place in matriculation. My only aim here is to get 4.0 flat and further my studies in a good university. And perhaps one day, just one day, when you come across a skyscraper, there on the highest floor, is my big and grand office. hehe. A girl can dream. ;-)